Unless you’ve had the unlikely privilege of living, like Ebenezer Scrooge in a microcosm of Christmas pasts this year, pre-festive news reports will have probably left you in a state of reeling disbelief. The season is, after all, about ‘peace on earth and goodwill to men’. A hope that just got thoroughly bloodied in the abattoir that is modern politics.
So in the event that your optimism and your wallet are as deep-filled as your mince pies and that £30k a year job at MI6 is – thanks to that cunning recruitment drive in the Standard – in reach, console yourself with the fact that you, dear reader, are just about to get the lowdown on exactly where it’s at in London this New Years.
1. Stay at Home.
3. Koze at XOYO. Second only to maybe Seth Troxler or Jackmaster, there are few DJs who will make you want to quit your job and sell your soul to Satan (or his modern manifestation: Southern Rail) to buy vinyl quite like Koze: Winner of RA’s 2016’s best remix yesterday, yet ranked at a paltry #50 in their best DJ chart, his sound is pure, timeless kick-ass groove. Support from the inimitable Die Vogel from Koze’s imprint Pampa, guarantee off-the-cuff, auditory utopia. Nice crowds inevitably follow.
4. Mosaic By Maceo, Avant Garde. NYD comes with the kind of morning-after salvation that Jesus (and Magdalena) wished for. With a line up boasting Maceo Plex as headliner, achingly on-point vibes from Eagles and Butterflies, DJ Tennis, Modeselektor, Axel Bowman & stellar rising talent in the form of Denis Horvat there’s frankly no better way to spend your last shred of hope.
We apologise – patriotism aside – that this guide can’t drive that lottery win, aid your fictitious imaginings of an operational Piccadilly line or prompt the accidental choking of May or Trump. Sadly, neither will it help you get screwed by anyone other than Phillip Hammond come 2017.
However, other good bets include: NYE – Electric Minds, The Last Dance – think intimate vibes with Move D and head-honcho Dolan Bergin; Eastern Electrics, feat. Richy Ahmed and on NYD, Fuse at London’s favourite, Village Underground.
It’s been a hideous year and lord only knows what the next one will bring, but right now perhaps it’s all we can do to swap that bedside-drawer emergency arsenic for Prozac and go and have it like it’s 2015.